Marriage Counseling

There are certain things you need to think about when choosing a marriage therapist.  The market is full of them, so which one is right for you?

The first thing you want to keep your mind and this is definitely the most important principle on who to choose a marriage therapist is to decide to pick someone who has specialty in marriage therapy.  In fact make sure that marriage therapy is the only thing they do because the process of individual therapy and marriage therapy is very different.

You do not want someone with a degree from the University of Aruba to give you relationship advice.  You also don’t want someone who is just starting their professional career or someone who has strange, far out ideas that involve magic crystals and finding your inner child.  You want someone hard nosed to help you with your marriage, so don’t be afraid to ask your marriage therapist question about what their theories are.

Individual therapy is about you opening up about your feelings, bringing stuff out into the open. A marriage therapist is experienced with working to a plan. Normal therapy about honesty and about communicating what you want to talk without any judgment and often without any direction. A marriage therapist is different.

It’s up to the process of discovery where you can work with thoughts and feelings. Whereas a marriage therapist has a structure.  Successful solo therapy sometimes doesn’t have a purpose to it, doesn’t even the specific direction. A marriage therapist though has a purpose – fixing your relationship.  This is not a small distinction.

It’s more of an evolutionary type process in normal therapy. With a marriage therapist your relationship evolves.  Marriage therapy is very different. A marriage therapist has a set goal – to help your relationship.  Marriage therapy needs to start with the goal of making your marriage happy and successful. A marriage therapist is experienced with this.

In a way it’s biased, it has a type of ulterior positive motive where it wants to encourage you to get a certain result and this is what a successful and experienced marriage therapist understands. An excellent marriage therapist will work hard to make your marriage work.

They have tools and techniques to help guide you, to have experience with what you’re facing and they have certain systems and homework and formulas that can begin to rebuild and strengthen your marriage.

The problem with regular therapy is that it’s just about talking and sharing. It’s just about opening up and this can actually have a negative effect on your marriage. That’s what is different with a marriage therapist.

You know, one partner may say things that cause irreparable damage and harm to the other person and could even make the marriage worse.  When they’ve studied a lot of successful marriages and successful couples, they find that a lot of them don’t even talk through their conflicts.  They just have the acceptance of energy that there will be disagreements and won’t agree on everything and that these things will occur from time to time.

Also these couples will have a very good system to just let this pass and to let them go whereas sometimes in therapy when done from the individual therapist’s perspective, you can actually make these conflicts bigger and you can magnify these issues and problems and you can make them worse.

So what you want when you select a marriage therapist, knows what his doing, has been in the situation before and someone you have the confidence that they can get your marriage back on track which is the goal.

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There are so many different types of marriage seminars nowadays that it’s almost impossible to find which is right for you, right?

Marriage seminars are usually worth every penny if you go to the right one.  It’s not a hit or miss affair: there are things you can look for beforehand to ensure that you are going to a good seminar vs. one that is basically there for a psychiatrist to extract money from gullible customers.  The main thing to look for is whether or not they put success stories on their website.

So I want to give you two tips if you’re thinking of attending a marriage seminar on how you can get the most of it and how you can choose one that suits your needs best.  There are marriage boot camps, marriage seminars, getaways, and trust retreats.  You see, you can tailor your marriage seminar experience to what you need for your relationship, so the sky is the limit.

If you’re choosing a marriage seminar, one thing to be aware of is a lot of these have a religious backing so if you’re religious, make sure you choose one that connects with your beliefs on the same level you wouldn’t want to be attending one that has religious beliefs that are very contradictory to how you feel.

If you’re non-religious, well I think the last thing you want to be doing is attending very strong, religious based marriage seminar because it’s not going to be what your relationship needs right now.

The second thing is to choose a marriage seminar that’s based on the right level for your relationship is at. A marriage seminar is really a great source of growth for your relationship.

Are marriage seminars complicated?

Some of them have levels – level one might be a marriage that’s just undergoing a few challenges and both participants want to help the marriage grow and develop whereas they may have level five, which is for couples very close to divorce who or who are already separated.

So you want to make sure you choose the marriage seminar that’s kind of based on where your relationship is at because this is going to play a pretty big part in getting the information that helps you best.

You know if you’re just undergoing a couple of difficulties and you go to a marriage seminar full of people who are ready to even divorce each other or kill each other, it might not be the best environment.  I actually was stuck at such a seminar and I wanted to run screaming from it.  Just find the right environment.

One thing that can really stand in the way of your marriage growing is ego and resistance and avoidance. Get the most of any marriage seminar you attend by not letting these stop things improving.  So don’t be afraid, be willing to throw yourself in the deep end. One thing with a marriage seminar is that you get out what you put in.

Consider all options, be willing to try absolutely anything and be willing to put in the effort and investment to give your marriage of a chance of being successful. Many of the people that attend a marriage seminar say that it’s a great idea.

Leave enough stern on term essentially and making sure your marriage is going to work. One thing with attending a marriage seminar is that you get given tools to use.

Often it requires effort and it requires you being willing to be outside of your comfort zone. Like most of the things in your life. One great thing about going to a marriage seminar is that you can meet other people in a similar situation. Which gives you strength.

So make a marriage seminar part of your strategy.

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It’s a good idea to have marriage counseling questions because it shows that you are serious about fixing your relationship.Marriage counseling questions to fix your relationship

If your marriage is in a bind, it may be good to ask yourself a few questions about your relationship to put your problems into perspective.  It’s always good to examine our relationships, and these questions can provide a guidepost if you feel especially stuck with how to handle a big problem in your relationship.

How many weeks do you have a fight with your spouse?

This will help you think about how often you and your spouse get into arguments.  Sometimes we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of modern life and we get angry.  If you feel that you and your partner are constantly in strife, it might be a good idea to try and remember how often you get into fights, and what those fights were about.  This moment of reflection will give you a good starting point to analyze your problems more effectively.

When you do argue, are they heated brawls or just tiffs?

Sometimes you just disagree with your spouse and other times you have screaming matches.  Not all arguments are made equal.  Do you have blowouts with your spouse every week, or do you constantly argue about little things that might not matter?  If you have huge arguments, what are they about?

How often do we have time alone?

Time alone with just the two of you is important to the health of your relationship.  Married couples still need to go out on dates and have some romance.  It breaks up the monotony of the week, when you are busy with kids, work, and maintaining the household.  Be sure not to do the same old things, and experience the most out of life together.

Do we have lives outside of each other?

Some couples spend almost the entire day together, while other couples may only see each other a few times a week and be satisfied with the relationship as is.  Both can work perfectly fine, depending on the people involved and the type of marriage they have.  You need to ask yourself what your life is like away from your partner.  Do you have hobbies?  What about a career?  What are your aspirations and what goals did you have when you were younger that you have yet to meet?  A lot of times we project on our partner the regrets that we have from not doing what we wanted to do earlier in life.

Does either partner ever apologize?

Being sensitive about your partner’s feelings is key to a healthy relationship.  When you are in fact in the wrong, do you apologize, or do you let the injustice fester?  It’s always healthy to treasure your partner’s feelings.

These are just some marriage counseling questions that you can use to fix your relationship.  A simple quiz is no replacement for a paid professional, especially if you feel your marriage is plagued with problems you yourself cannot solve.  Yes, it’s expensive, but the investment can pay off for a lifetime.

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Marriage counseling shouldn’t be a last resort, it should be your go to when you and your spouse need help.  Don’t wait until things have already fallen apart.

Your marriage needs a doctor, stat!  You are arguing, fighting, and generally do not look forward to coming home and seeing each other.  This can lead to frustration and anxiety that can spill out into the rest of our life and ruin the enjoyment we get from our job, our family, and our friends.  This is not what marriage is supposed to be, so if you are thinking about getting a marriage counselor, then I highly recommend it before it’s too late.

Of course, couple’s fight and have disagreements.  It’s a healthy part of being assertive and respecting oneself.  You do not want to be a doormat!  However, if we think that our relationship has been poisoned, then you might need a counselor.  Marriage counselors are not miracle workers and they won’t always tell you what you want to here, but that’s not the point.  If relationships were easy then everyone would have a happy one.   They are work, and sometimes, if we hit snags, we need someone to help.

Marriage counselors are often not as costly as you might think.  Beware of the ones that charge outrageous fees.  They offer a lot, but leave you with a fat bill.  Some of the best marriage counselors are affordably priced and offer a wide range of services.  One of the biggest ways to cut down on costs is to go on a marriage retreat.  Marriage retreats offer couples therapy, which is a big way to cut down on costs and get a vacation out of the deal.

Some people wonder what their marriage counselor will ask them to do.  Will it be worth the time and effort?  If you value your marriage as much as you did when you were newly wed, then the answer to that question should be a no brainer!  You should do what it takes to keep your marriage alive, and the advice I got from my marriage counselor when things were going wrong in my marriage gave me the will to keep going.

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What is the main reason you are looking for marriage builders?

What are marriage builders?  Marriage builders are little exercises that you can do daily, weekly, and monthly, to help build the bond between you and your spouse.  Marriage is an ongoing process, and marriage builders are just the thing to keep your relationship going. Remember, try to do these little exercises as often as you can.

Congratulate your partner

Yes!  You have to show your partner that you are grateful to have them in your life.  Now, you do not need to gush over them.  I gave this marriage builder exercise to a couple I knew way back when, and they started to thank each other for every single little thing they did for each other.  What you should do is find ways to congratulate your partner for things they do for you that are genuine.

One of the big things you have to watch out for in a relationship is feeling like you’re not appreciated.  We get stuck in a routine and forget that our partner is there for us, to enrich our lives and make us feel alive.  Never forget that!

Be Assertive and Caring

Proper assertiveness in a relationship goes a long way in fostering respect.  You cannot have a healthy relationship that isn’t founded on a basis of mutual respect.  If your spouse sees you as a pushover or as someone who will just do as commanded, then respect is not there and you may find that your partner is galavanting around town with someone else.  I’m sorry to say that, but it’s the hard truth.

Another great marriage builder is to have a date night once a month.  You have to keep the magic in your relationship alive, and having a date night can keep things moving.  Go out to eat, go to a carnival, do anything that you used to do before you were married, because this will keep the spark and the magic alive.  Remember, marriage cannot become drudgery and it cannot become a bore.

Marriage builders keep the engine of your relationship in tip top shape!

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If you go to the bookstore, then you’ve probably seen hundreds of books on fixing your marriage.  How do you cut through the garbage and find just the right book for you?

You’re probably looking for a book right now to help you with your marriage. I’ll  give you a mini marriage book to help you turn things around.  You see, it’s not the size of the book that matters.  You need books written by hard hitting authors who have been through the pain of having marriage problems to give you just the right perspective on your problems.

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman

This is the book that really got me on track and I would say it’s also responsible for setting me on the path to being a relationship guru.  It’s just that good. I was having problems with my marriage.  Each day was a new fight, a new piece of conflict and it was so difficult.  Then I learned that love had a special language and I just wasn’t communicating in it.

You see, one of the big themes on this site is the idea that relationships are fluid, dynamic, ongoing relationships.  The gasoline for relationships is constant communication.  This requires confidence and trust.  You want to use the language of love to reaffirm your trust and your commitment to your mate.

This book made me learn that when I said things to my significant other, I was actually communicating something quite different, which was the basis for the constant misunderstandings and fights.  This book really freed me and helped me understand that love is its own for communication.

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger

I am usually skeptical of pop authors who appear on the relationship shows and peddle their sugar coated drivel on television.  Relationships are hard work, and anyone who says otherwise is trying to sell you something.  This book seemed in that same vein, but for some reason I gave it a chance, just to think if I’d be surprised.

I was!  It’s important not to focus too much on ourselves in a relationship.  I wanted to see how marriage operated from the female perspective, and this book was a sufficiently open window into the female psyche.  I’d have to say that this book let me see how women engage with relationships, which really helps me give well rounded advice.

Get these books as soon as you can, and see how they can change your life.

With your understanding of nice things you can do for your partner, learn more with my FREE video presentation. It’ll teach you how to ALWAYS keep the sparks flying. Understanding the 4 secret stages of a breakup shows you how to avoid challenging situations. Click here NOW to learn the key secret that makes it all possible.

If you are looking for marriage advice then you are probably dealing with some difficulties in your marriage right now. That’s fine.  You don’t have to be an unhappy couple for too much longer.  

Being unhappy in your relationship is never good, but it can be repaired if you decide that your relationship is worth saving.  Some couples stay together despite the fact they’re unhappy, a lot of times because they feel there is little they can do and they do not want to end their relationship and go on to someone else.  Unhappy couples are in that special relationship gray area, and with my help, you can get back up to speed in no time.

One of the big things that keeps people from being happy is placing completely unrealistic expectations on themselves and expecting a perfect world.  If you’re constantly thinking about why your relationship doesn’t “stack up,” then you could easily be missing out on all the great parts of your relationship that are staring you square in the face.  Let me share with you a little story:

I had two friends, both of whom I knew for a long time, and were in a long term relationship.  On the surface, everything was going perfect, but the boyfriend eventually hit a slump and told me that his girlfriend didn’t seem to have much interest in the relationship anymore.  He said she seemed distant, aloof, and preoccupied most of the time.  Since she and I were friends, I tried to diplomatically ask how her relationship was going.

It seemed she thought that they should’ve been further along as a couple.  She felt that she deserved to live in a bigger house.  She thought that he wasn’t as built as other men, and that they weren’t living in the city that she wanted.  I kept listening to her as honestly as I could, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that she thought her boyfriend was supposed to be a body builder, a corporate titan, and a sensitive artist, all rolled into one.  No one could be happy with unrealistic expectations of this magnitude!

What to do, then?  I talked with her, and really tried to dig into her psyche to see why she was projecting so much on her boyfriend.  After all, as far as boyfriends go, he wasn’t bad at all.  She revealed she was disappointed in the way her own life had turned out, and she thought that a boyfriend would bring her all the happiness in the world.  Life doesn’t work like that, and breaking out of that mold requires some growing up.  Do you think about  your relationships in an adult manner?

Now that you’ve contemplated marriage advice for unhappy couples, check out my FREE video presentation that shows you how to rewind your relationship and be happy again. Click here NOW to learn the secret to a blissful relationship.

If you’re having marriage difficulties, there is something you can do.
Marriage Difficulties - Useful advice that can help you if your marriage is in trouble

No one ever said marriage would be perfect, and few relationships are.  When you’re facing marriage difficulties, there are a few things you can do to preserve your marriage and bring order back to your life. The first thing to do is to be honest with yourself as to what is truly the problem.

One major problem in marriages is if there is a difference in the sexual needs of both partners.  One partner may have a high sex drive and want to make love more often than the other.  Maybe you feel hurt that you have to shun your partner’s advances, and make them feel you don’t want them sexually.  You love your partner, but you just do not want to make love as often as they would like, and it’s starting to become a problem.  This causes a rift in many relationships, one that you don’t want to cause.  It may be time to expand your horizons and explore your sexuality more.

We often let the stresses of modern life make us feel we can put sex off, or that there are more important things to do. 

Nothing could be further from the truth.  The intimacy you share with your partner is the core of your relationship and you must do what it takes to save it.    If your job or a big project is making you feel stressed, then put it down and take out some time to spend with your significant other, just the two of you.  You don’t necessarily have to do something grand, like go to a tropical island.

Even the simplest dates, like walking through a park or doing an activity that you can bond over, go a long way in rebuilding a relationship that’s been mired in domestic drudgery.  Once you are relaxed and not thinking about the next deadline or your bosses face on Monday morning, you’ll find being intimate with your partner much more natural.

Sometimes intimacy is not the problem in a marriage.  Maybe you feel like you and your partner are reliving the same day over and over again. 

Routines are good, but too much can lead to boredom and stagnation, and that’s not what endeared you to your partner in the first place.  It’s time to spice it up, and not just in the bedroom.  In these cases you’ll have to do something very much out the ordinary.  Some couples go to exotic locales while others take up new hobbies that they can enjoy together.

Try and do something that involves meeting other couples, or dressing up and going someplace elegant. 

Some couples take up ballroom dancing, which is a romantic activity where you can dress up, go on an adventure, and break up your routine.  If you are outdoorsy, then visiting a scenic spot and going happy can be a romantic trip and rekindle your relationship.  Anything that gets you out of the house and away from the daily grind.

Learning how to save a sexless marriage can be overwhelming, but it is very possible…

So you’re stuck in a sexless marriage, and as each day passes you don’t see any way out.  That’s normal.  So many people in sexless marriages feel like they’re trapped and that each day is just another chapter in the book of loneliness.  There is a way out, but it’s hard, and it will test the limits of your trust and closeness to your spouse.  If you’re ready to take the journey, then read on.

If you are the one in the relationship that wants to make love, but are rebuffed, then do not blame yourself.  It is so important that you do not blame yourself.  Hating yourself or thinking that somehow there’s something about you that is causing the problem is not the way we save a sexless marriage.  Your partner wanted you at one point.  You were married for a reason, and you wanted each other physically at one point.  That means it can happen again.

As always, I advocate for a cool headed approach to solving relationship problems.  That’s why I tell you not to blame  yourself.  If you don’t blame yourself, then you will be in the right mindset to solve this problem.  So, why does your spouse not want to make love?  Is it because they’re too tired?  Do they give excuses, saying that they just don’t feel like it, or they have to work early tomorrow?

If this is the case, you may need to help them reorganize their life so that they don’t have these impediments in their life any longer. This can happen when we juggle a career with kids among the hundreds of other things that come up during the course of a normal life.  It’s time you uncluttered your closet and took a good look at your partner’s life.

If you are the one that does not want to make love, then you need to look deep within yourself, and try to remember if there was any trauma in your past.  A lot of times, we lose the ability to be physically intimate with other people because of a painful past.  In women, for instance, they do not want to make love because they had been raped many years ago and compartmentalized the pain.  Do not try to take your pain and put it in a box.  It needs to be dealt with.

I know that was scary, but it’s true.  There are many sexless marriages where one spouse was hurt as a child, and learned to deal with the pain in their daily life.  They never had a chance to examine it or deal with it because the opportunity never came out.  Now that they’re married, the need for physical intimacy has come up, and now they have to deal with their pain.  If this describes you, it’s time to see a psychiatrist.

Saving a sexless marriage is not impossible if both parties are honest with themselves and do not resort to the blame game.  It can never help.

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One thing about marriage conferences is that not too many people know what they are.  They are quite effective at keeping a relationship healthy.

I know that new, avante garde couple’s therapy is all the rage nowadays, so I thought I’d wade into the debate.  Marriage conferences are the new way to put a spark back into your marriage, and they are billed as super serious, intense, low cost ways to deal with your marriage.  I love marriage conferences, but really, they’re basically group retreats.  So much for sticking a new name on an old practice.

Why are they simply group retreats?  Because what you do at a marriage conference is the same thing you do at a group retreat.  I know, I’ve been to both and I saw absolutely no effective difference.  How they’re marketed, though, is where the difference lies.  Marriage conferences are billed as being like a business, as if you’re networking with other couples.

What should I expect if I go on one?

There’s a huge increase in couples’ attending retreats, seminars, workshops, getting therapies, reading books, listening to audios and doing things as a couple and I think why this is occurring is because we live in the information age. I like marriage conferences because there is good information to learn that can help you.

Can a marriage conference help my struggling relationship?  

People are realizing that there’s information available in the modern day world to fix any problem, to solve any difficulty and I think people are also realizing that marriages require a constant investment and maintenance for them to be as healthy as possibly. Part of marriage conferences is teaching you those important skills.

Is it important that I go to one?

Couples are no longer leaving their relationship to the winds of fate.  They know that their relationships require constant tune ups and constant vigilance, so marriage conferences have become all the rage.  Plus, marriage conferences can be a lot of fun as they are usually on some tropical island or a mountain retreat where you can get away from the perils of modern life.

I think whole lots people are realizing marriage can take an effort, can take work, and it can take a process of growing and learning together.

This is why marriage conferences take place where a lot of couples can attend an event where there are different speakers and workshops. There’s different skills and strategies to learn.  You can start to look at your relationship as a project or a work in progress, and less as something that just happens and goes on its own.

For example I was looking at one marriage conference recently and they were teaching all the participants mindfulness.  Mindfulness is actually derived from Zen Buddhism and is a technique to clear the mind of unnecessary “noise.”

Mindfulness is a way of relaxing, meditating, living in the now, removing stress, removing anxiety and not putting so much pressure on yourself. What a great idea marriage conferences really are.

Mindfulness is about clearing your mind and enjoying life. If they teach that at marriage conferences – then make sure to go.  Mindfulness has its roots in Buddhist teachings: it’s one of the nine pillars of behavior that is supposed to lead to enlightenment.  We won’t go too much into the Buddha, but mindfulness is an excellent way to tweak your behavior for optimal results.

And I can has it a guess that if every couple out there, every married couple wants to learn mindfulness and practice it together, there would be a lot less divorces and a lot less marriage problems and this is one thing I want to encourage you to do as a couple. Part of the appeal of marriage conferences is learning skills like this – so powerful.

If you’re thinking about how to strengthen your marriage and how to make it better and how to invest in it, make it grow, look for these things called practices. I really like marriage conferences because you can learn practices that will help your marriage.

Practices are something that you never really get good at like yoga, it’s something you practice and you constantly improve and when you’re in a marriage, you want to see if you can have practices that you do together.

It could be rock climbing, it could be meditation, it could be anything at all, it might be learning a language but it can be really beneficial for you both to engage in these practices together then you’ve got something to talk about, you’ve got something to share and it can be a really cool experience when the both of you are doing these sort of things together.

That’s why when I researched marriage conferences recently and I saw how they’re running mindfulness classes for couples, I thought it was just one of the best ideas I’ve ever seen.

If you are thinking about checking out marriage conferences – then definitely do it. Going to marriage conferences will really help your relationship. It has to.

With your understanding of marriage conferences, learn more with my FREE video presentation. It’ll teach you how to ALWAYS keep the sparks flying. Understanding the 4 secret stages of a breakup gives you a roadmap to success. Click here NOW to learn the key secret that makes it all possible.