Do you argue constantly? Is nothing ever right in your home? Is nothing ever right in your relationship? Do you want to stop the constant bickering, but just can’t seem to find a way to do so? Look no further. Safe words will be your answer.
Arguments are actually a healthy part of any relationship. It’s true. I’ve seen many couples that have stayed together for years go through blistering arguments and then never break up. In fact, these disagreements enhance and maximize their relationship in ways that couples who never argue could only dream about. However, if you find yourself arguing too much, or feel that your relationship is in danger from too much discord, read on.
What is a safe word, you ask? Safe words are words that you create to keep yourself from taking things too far. You can have a word that keeps you from going too far. Your partner can have a word. Let’s say you choose “cream” and he chooses “lightning.” (It doesn’t really matter what the words are, just so long as they are unique enough that they will stand out and are also words that you’ll remember later on). Safe words for fighting will help you to repair your relationship.
Don’t be taken aback by how silly this sounds. I first came up with the idea when watching a hypnotist work with a group of people. He was helping a man with tremendous back pain relax, and he used a special word to get the man into a hypnotic state to ease his muscles. I thought the same idea could be applied to relationships, and even though it may be weird to yell out “Jelly beans!” during a heated argument, it has a magical way of diffusing bickering.
As the argument begins to heat up, you feel yourself ready to yell out some threatening things and some hurtful things you know you’ll regret later. Right now you’re too upset to deal with this productively, so you say “lightning” and walk away.
Your partner will now know not to follow you. She will just let you be. Later, when things have settled down, the two of you can sit down. You can discuss politely and gently the issues. You can compromise and find ways to solve the problems at hand. This is much better than getting in to a screaming match. You do not want things to escalate emotionally where you will have no control over yourself. You’ll say things you don’t really mean.
The safe words allow you both to stop in a crisis and agree to ignore things for a moment. To give yourselves time to breathe and to calm down. This is one of the most important tools that I try to share with couples. It’s a great way to solve things before they turn into something that is widely out of control.
If you aren’t sure, just give it a try. Don’t feel embarrassed! You would never guess how many couples actually use this technique to keep their relationships in working order. Your safe word for fighting can be anything you want it to be. My advice is to make it silly, so that it diffuses the situation in a jiffy. The safe word for me and my wife is “Fahrvergnuegen,” a German word that sounds funny to both of us. We actually laugh in the middle of heated debates.
It’s important, however, to remember that it only works if it is honored. If you or your partner continues to nag and yell at the other individual during the fighting, it will not work. You both must respect the safe words if they are to be used effectively and are to be used to restore the good nature of your relationship together.
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